the sky is clear and spacious,

the earth is solid and full,

all creatures flourish together,

content with the way they are,

endlessly repeating themselves,

endlessly renewed.

When man interferes with the Tao,

the sky becomes filthy,

the earth becomes depleted,

the equilibrium crumbles,

creatures become extinct.

The Master views the parts with compassion,

because he understands the whole.

His constant practices humility.

He doesn’t glitter like a jewel

but lets himself be shaped by the Tao,

as rugged and common as a stone.

* ^ * ^ * ^ * ^ * ^ * ^ * ^ * ^ * ^ * ^ * ^ * ^ * ^ * ^ * ^ * ^ * ^ * ^ * ^ * ^ * ^

Lately, I’ve been feeling fearful about my life.  There is so much that is good but there is an underlying current of fear about the future.  I’ve been focusing on what I’m afraid of: affording my home, working at a job that is incongruous with my values, being broke, not being healthy, having a skin rash, etc…. I am so looking forward to having some time alone in a couple of weeks to just chill with myself and regroup.  It seems like this is a pattern for me and I really need to have a “Bliss Journal” and write what is good about my life. 

I know that my path is to heal and I do a lot of it at work, but to really have the voice to be able to assist people – that is cut off due to needing to be “politically correct”.  Now that I am so focused on my health, it is getting hard for me to see the lack in others.  I have compassion because I was once there too, but I really feel that as consumers of what is considered “right” in America – we feel that soda drinks, mac & cheese, and candy are the three food groups.  Life is a path and I need to first realize that I have been following the winding path to become raw for several years and letting unhealthy habits fall away like dead leaves.  So each person has their own journey too.

Recently, I was very late to work, because I got “caught up” in a catalog of Chinese Herbs.  Two hours passed without realization.  I then was not in a work mood and forgot to call my boss and I really felt very scared and out of sorts.  Like a child, afraid of making a mistake, of being outcast, of being fired.  Emotions of fear so strong, even after spirit gave me a very clear answer on my calling (the loss of time while reading) I still was afraid of “losing my job”.  Thankfully, I went to Bikram that day and it reset my emotions.  Since this is my night shift weekend, I’ve been yogaing and rebounding here at home – and it makes a difference.  The fear, the adrenaline, has a place to dissipate. 

So, here is a list of the best that could happen in my life:

1.  I get the chance to meet great people.

2.  My mom has offered me her home.

3.  My cats love me.

4.  Great music plays in my home.

5.  I have warm clothes and heat.

6.  I am making amazing food and feeling much healthier.

7.  The sky has been a beautiful blue for days.

8.  A red breasted finch came to my bird feeder today.

9.  I can imaging a field of sunflowers this summer.

10.  My heart is willing to be open.

11. Joy is like the Tao, always available.

thus he is truly powerful.

The ordinary man keeps reaching for power;

thus he never has enough.

The Master does nothing,

yet he leaves nothing undone.

The ordinary man is always doing things,

yet many more are left to be done.

The kind man does something,

yet something remains undone.

The just man does something,

and leaves many things to be done.

The moral man does something,

and when no one responds

he rolls up his sleeves and uses force.

When the Tao is lost, there is goodness.

When goodness is lost, there is morality.

When morality is lost, there is ritual.

Ritual is the husk of true faith,

the beginning of chaos.

Therefore the Master concerns himself

with the depths and not the surface,

with the fruit and not the flower.

he has no will of his own.

He dwells in reality,

and lets all illusions go.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  % % % % % * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Many a month has passed since I have posted here.  The Tao Te Ching stayed with the computer, but was not opened.  I think I just got so busy with Bikram, yard work, and job-work that it fell to the side.  Recently, I had an epiphany regarding my health and my life and decided that I would embark fully on my long term goal of being on a raw food diet.  Recent skin problems, pesky 15 pounds that seems stuck, and a mental focus that needs to shift are all being called to change.  I am about 85-95% raw food.  Downfall foods are still crunchy chip like foods.  I feel that this will eventually fall away as I eat healthier. 

How is this effecting my mind and my soul?  Well, I’m back to the Tao which I feel is a good thing.  I feel clearer about work and actually a bit more dissatisfied.  When I stuff emotions down with food I really love my job, however, I’m not being authentic with my true self.  I love health and nutrition and helping people – and this is not quite connected to what I do right now.  I have been re-evaluating Bikram too.  I keep taking long breaks and then going back.  After going last night it felt very good and a nice mental change.  I feel that I need a different more balanced workout…so Belly Dancing starts March 1st!  What about Kundalini Yoga?  That too has changed.  Haven’t felt too called to that path in awhile. 

Strangely, I have felt like cutting my hair.  It feels like it’s in my way.  It’s growing very fast since I’ve been on the Whole Vegan path (I think whole is a better description than raw).  All I can say is my life, body, mind, and soul are transforming!  I am so looking forward to what will happen and feel no attachment to what is dropping or what will be.  It’s all okay!

yet through it all things are done.

If powerful men and women

could center themselves in it,

the whole world would be transformed

by itself, in its natural rhythms.

People would be content

with their simple, everyday lives,

in harmony, and free of desire.

When there is no desire,

all things are at peace.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Tonight, as I was driving home and looking at the stars I spotted the Big Dipper in the western sky.  I wonder what our lives would be like if we didn’t watch TV, YouTube, read email, etc…  Would we discover other figures and designs in the clusters of stars?  Are these groupings random or an elaborate clue to be figured out? 

Imagine a time when looking at the stars was so easy that everyone had equal access to the bright beauty that is now only available where light pollution is limited.  Would we be content or crave more?

you must first allow it to expand.

If you want to get rid of something,

you must first allow it to flourish.

If you want to make take something,

you must first allow it to be given.

This is called the subtle perception

of the ways things are.

The soft oversomes the hard.

The slow overcomes the fast.

Let your workings remain a mystery.

Just show people the results.

* ( * ) * ( * ) * ( * ) * ( * ) * (* ) * ( * ) * ( * ) * ( * ) *

Today, I have been on a slow move “slow overcomes the fast” as I will be working overnight tonight starting at about 4:30pm for our store’s inventory.  We have a good crew, so my intuition is telling me that it will go well.  I couldn’t “sleep in” and so have been conserving some energy in lieu of sleep. 

I find this stanza of The Tao very interesting because it’s all about acceptance and counter balancing.  When you accept where you are, you’re ability to move into the next phase of life (whatever in Guru’s grace that may be) with steadiness.  This is a great one for me to remember.  The “little me” the one that is always striving to find my calling, my life’s passion, and for inner peace.  It is all within me, God is within me, I feel the presence is watching and waiting for me to accept it.  Sometimes I can feel the fullness in my heart and then I shut it down.  I know, but yet I don’t. 

Fears, your own and other peoples can set you off in the wrong direction.  A great example is that I recently decided to do Subagh Kriya, which is for prosperity.  It’s not because I’m not prosperous, but because I don’t believe in my own prosperity – if that makes sense.  I make good money, have a home, car, and can afford organic food – however I feel that it is all dependent on how I behave.  Be the “good” employee, follow the rules and you will get $$$.  If you follow your dreams, you will not.  How this is so pervasive in my family dynamic became apparent to me on Monday night.  I called my mother to tell her about the amazing yoga class (more on that later) and how it felt so good to move and how healing it felt.  Her words were, “enjoy it now while you have the money to spend, because when you leave Target you will not be able to afford to do these things”.  Really?  I did challenge her, I said that what if I made more money and had more success?  But still what a strong “lack” message.  I have often attributed my fears of poverty to my father, but this really highlighted that it was a joint message from both parents.

On to the yoga.  I have yet to find a Kundalini Yoga class that fits in with my work schedule, so I’m practicing here at home (which is quite nice and the cats join me – mainly Periwinkle).  I have been wanting to try Bikram Yoga, but many fears arose (the heat, being out of great physical shape, and time).  I decided this past Sunday that I didn’t care – I was going to go anyway.  So Monday night, I went to my first class.  I was a little overdressed for the 105 degree heat and a few times I thought I would faint – but I made it through the whole class with a smile on my face.  I was exceptionally cleansing and I feel a great companion to KY as the next day I was able to do both Subagh Kriya and Nabhi Kriya with great energy.  It really energized me and at the same time relaxed me.  Yogi Bhajan often said that women needed to sweat everyday and this does it!  Because I was the brave one and went first, Jen (my HR Manager) went next and she brought my security manger’s girlfriend.  Soon all of Target will be going. 

What I found interesting was the push to get me to come to class everyday for the next 10 days.  Well, I have a pretty busy job, will be traveling next week, etc…plus I follow my intuition – which said “3 days a week”.  KY is my root yoga and my main priority.  I did bring up that I do KY and one of the teachers said “who teaches it here?”.  I gave her the names, but to be honest, it’s just not part of the scene here yet.  Those who have moved here from other areas are familiar with it – but it’s not advertised or given it’s due.  Who knows – that could definitely change.  I definitely know that I had the power to keep up and concentrate based on KY.  What I do find enjoyable about the Bikram Yoga is the ability to push myself, the sauna like quality of the room – which is a great toxin remover, and the gain in flexibility that I expect I will see.  I have also noticed a desire to eat healthier and to be more aware of my water intake.  Being absolutely soaked in sweat actually feels really good too.  I feel this will get me in shape for the hot days of Summer Solstice too. 

A prayer for today,

    May all those on this earth find peace,

    May those that are in need of healing -  

    feel it emanate from their hearts,

    May those that are in need of love -

    feel grace flow through their body,

    May we all find all of our power,

    our purpose,

    and our futures come from That which Is.

Sat Nam, Sat Nam, Sat Nam.

can go where she wishes, without danger.

She perceives the universal harmony,

even amid great pain,

because she has found peace in her heart.

Music or the smell of good cooking may make people stop and enjoy.

But words that point to the Tao

seem monotonous and with without flavor.

When you look for it, there is nothing to see.

When you listen for it, there is nothing to hear.

When you use it, it is inexhaustible.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I like the message of this stanza.  Despite the old adage “seek and you will find”, sometimes if you just stop and be still you will find all that you have been looking for.  Finding joy and happiness where I am has been my path this past week.

First, I had an estatic experience with some cows on Thursday morning.  On my way to work, I spotted some large animals in the middle of the road, running straight into on-coming traffic.  At first I couldn’t tell what they were but as I got closer I saw that it was two cows, they were pretty lean, so I made the assumption that they were in cow teenage years.  They both had yellow ear tags, so it was clear to me that they had run away.  That told me they were pretty smart.  They were trotting along at a good speed and luckily no cars were on the road, so I slowed my pace and pulled along side of them.  I rolled down my window and the cow nearest to me, a deep rust colored cow with white markings, glanced at me with his large brown eyes.  I then said, “Hey, you guys need to get off the road or you’ll get hit!”  The cow nearest to me gave me a slight nod and without further adieu they both started to veer off the road at a 45 degree angle – keeping their same pace.  They were then on the dirt margin and trotting away – I shouted, “Good job!” and drove off.  Just then, 5 cars rounded the bend and would have hit them or had an accident if they hadn’t moved.  Anyway, it was pretty cool…I really hope they escaped!

At work I have been experimenting with giving full attention to the guests that come into the store.  Looking them fully in the eye and smiling.  Having great, fun, and meaningful interactions.  Tonight, I asked a man if he needed help and really felt a pull in his eyes and I could tell that he was attracted in some sense.  He needed some storage items and I sent him in the right direction.  Later, when I was in the area that he was shopping I asked him if he was finding everything alright.  He then started to go into a story about the need for the storage solutions and his living situation that made me realize that he probably was going through a divorce or separation.  Two things came up for me.  First one, “why do I feel attracted or attract those with problems or complications?” – i.e. victim.  Second one, “I was able to give him some human interaction that was compassionate and touched him positively.” – i.e. victor.  I like the second one better.

All things are born from it,

yet it doesn’t create them. 

It pours itself into its work,

yet it makes no claim. 

It nourishes infinite worlds,

yet it doesn’t hold on to them. 

Since it is merged with all things

and hidden in their hearts,

it can be called humble. 

Since all things vanish into it

and it alone endures,

it can be called great. 

It isn’t aware of its greatness;

thus it is truly great.

(*)*(*)*(*)*(*)*(*)*(*)*(*)

*     *    *

    *   *         *

       *     *

Snow is still in the forecast and it is April!  I left for Salt Lake City on Friday during a snow storm and had two days of snow during my in this town that is in a basin of what was once (millions of years ago) a massive lake.  The Wasatch (sp?) Mountains encircle the town allowing for a gorgeous view no matter what direction you turn.  Despite the global warming, the only warming I am having is via Natural Gas and eating Cayenne Pepper!  Today and tomorrow it will be warm (high 50′s) and then cooler into next week.  You can’t control nature and it has a mysterious plan that we don’t comprehend. 

Periwinkle has been very nervous lately and won’t go outside.  She does attempt to go outside and them turns around and runs back in.  I opened the door to see if the neighbor’s cat, Rocky was outside and I could hear the cows from the farm 1/2 mile away “mooing”.  It was very pleasant to hear the cows and see the bright stars and the air felt so calm.  Peri, however, didn’t like the sound and ran to hide.  Right now she’s on the chair next to me as I listen to music and type this.  I have been using a Bach Flower remedy, Larch, and it has helped a bit.  I’m hoping that with a warmer turn in the weather that takes me outside, she will join me and relax.

After returning from the Laughter Yoga training, I find that I am calmer and more centered.  Even though I watched TV in my hotel room, I don’t feel like watching it here at home.  I believe this training, along with Eckart Tolle’s work, Kundalini Yoga, Sikh Faith, etc…I feel that the purpose of my life is possible without having to “know” what that is.  I am where I am and I’m just going to follow the path as it gets revealed. 

I feel it’s sort of like going on a hike in the woods and there is a winding path that has beautiful lush ferns covering portions of the path.  In the distance there is a curve and beyond that, felled trees that have taken residence on the path.  You can’t see all of the trail, can’t be sure if the curve is to the left or right because of the density of the forest.  Yet, you continue to move forward and know that where the trail leads is where you need to go.

knowing yourself is true wisdom.

Mastering others is strength;

mastering yourself is true power.

If you realize that you have enough,

you are truly rich.

If you stay in the center

and embrace death with your whole heart,

you will endure forever.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

“Mastering yourself is true power.”  Hmmm, a fine statement and it seems much work is needed on my part to embody this.  It is simple to stay in the Now on paper and my glimpses into this have been supreme.  Chanting in the car and feeling love in my heart is becoming more frequent and being able to say, “Can I Help You Find Something” to guests at work and mean it.  I look directly in their eyes and focus only on them at that moment.  They sparkle right back with whatever they need with a smile. 

What’s harder right now, is observing the times when I’m not in Now and when I’m behaving “badly”.  When I’m too busy for one of my employees, when I get frustrated by team members or the assistant managers that report to me, when I’m irritated at my cat who trys to sit on my lap while I’m eating, or the neighbor who continually parks overlapping my driveway.  These are all issues of varying importance but I let my frustration level get out of hand.  I feel it in my body a disconnection from spirit.  Anger, childishness, and poor attitude can all come on in an instant.  Yet, I can quickly identify that it’s a waste of my spirit and time.

The more I am moving toward the center, toward the nature of all things (the Tao), I believe that some of these issues shoot up to show me that I still have work to do.  It’s easy to be meditative, centered, and in the Now in the quiet Amrit hours – but much different in the bright sun with 20 people’s auras mixing in with yours.  Through all of it, my heart tells me that it is the more difficult times that have more meaning and if you can cut through the layers of ego, the stillness can be had.

I had such a beautiful image come to me the other day and I don’t know if it was a dream during sleep or a vision during meditation, but it relates to this topic.  I envisioned a beautiful blue color (like the stone Larimar, or a pale blue sky) painted in the center of my chest, between my breasts – right around the sternum.  Within this brilliant blue was glimmering white pearl like shapes.  It was so beautiful and so fleeting.  Although it is a “past” moment – I use this image to invoke the feeling of my heart and the beauty of God that is within all of us.  When I’m chanting to Guru Ram Das, this area of my body really awakens.  This richness, the pearls are enough, I thank spirit for providing all that I need. 

Blessings to all……

Smaller than an electron,

it contains uncountable galaxies.

If powerful men and women

could remain centered in the Tao,

all things would be in harmony.

The world would become a paradise.

All people would be at peace,

and the law would be written in their hearts.

When you have names and forms,

know that they are provisional.

When you have institutions,

know where their functions should end.

Knowing when to stop

you can avoid any danger.

All things end in the Tao

as rivers flow into the sea.

~ * ~* ~*~~* ~* ~* ~*~ *~ *~ *~ *~ *~ *~ *~ *~ *~ *~

 I recognized my lack of centeredness and my egoic actions yesterday.  First, I live in fear of lack.  The seemingly endless abundance of stars that are living example of the abundance that is available to us all (and I only need to step onto my patio to witness this truth).  Yet, I behave that it will all be wiped away with something like a bad review, negative comments, or failing.  Mainly, this has to do with work, or at least that’s how it manifests currently.  Because I allow my whole life to revolve around work, I haven’t had a lot of experiences with it elsewhere. 

Yesterday, I worked on not being stressed out from these fears.  When driving I focused on chanting and feeling Guru Ram Das in my heart.  When I felt angry about the neighbors car overlapping my driveway, I decided to imagine blessing that car with rose petals.  No resistance.  Focus on NOW, when my mind gets thinking about the future, the “what if’s”, I come back to NOW.  Today while creating wallet cards at work I felt frustrated and tense, then I just focused on what I was doing, the color of the paper, the shape of the card as the scissors in my hand made the motions to open and close.  Relaxation ensued. 

This is what the Tao means to me…NOW.

all decent men detest them.

Weapons are the tools of fear;

a decent man will avoid them

except in the direst necessity

and, it compelled, will use them

only with the utmost restraint.

Peace is his highest value.

If the peace has been shattered,

how can he be content?

His enemies are not demons,

but human beings like himself.

He doesn’t wish them personal harm.

Nor does he rejoice in victory.

How could he rejoice in victory

and delight in the slaughter of men?

He enters a battle gravely,

with sorrow and with great compassion,

as it he were attending a funeral.

* ` * ` * ` * ` * ` * ` * ` * ` * ` * ` * ` * ` *

Ah, the wisdom of the Tao.  I have been in egoic self conflict over two issues in my life.  One, my “battle” at work.  I clearly have a couple of people who work for me and as an agent or “warrior” for my company I must deal with performance and do the right thing and bring peace.  I have felt “bad” and wondered if it in spiritual conflict with my values.  Then I read this and realize that even though I value people as human beings, I must do what’s right.  If my heart is heavy then I can enter it with sorrow and compassion and realize that part of my duty is to bring peace into this world – even if it is at work.

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - -

I was imaging

wild horses 

moving in a meadow

of orange and red poppies

their coats sleek

with morning dew.

Or in in winter

crossing a snowy pasture 

to drink in the stream

using their hoofs

to crack the thin layer

of ice at the rocky edge.

When a breeze stirs

through the old pine trees

encircling the pasture,

they arch their necks and their

mane lightly dances in the wind. 

Nostrils reach high

into the sky to read

the subtle messages that so few

can still feel. 

May they be free forever.

doesn’t try to force issues

or defeat enemies by force of arms.

For every force there is a counterforce.

Violence, even well intentioned,

always rebounds upon oneself.

The Master does his job

and then stops.

He understands that the universe

is forever out of control,

and that trying to dominate events

goes against the current of the Tao.

Because he believes in himself,

he doesn’t try to convince others.

Because he is content with himself,

he doesn’t need others’ approval.

Because he accepts himself,

the whole world accepts him.

* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~  * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *

Yesterday a hawk was circling in the air

just west of my house.

A bit of a windy day and the sun was

defying the forecast.

Riding the current with no apparent effort.

The right wing had a notch through which the

blue and white sky flashed.

Later, driving 20 miles away, I was at a stop light

waiting

A hawk circled over my car

playing in the wind and I could see

flashings of sky through the notch in it’s wing.